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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

H-day is almost here

Yep, next tuesday H-Day. H for hysterectomy. I am both scared and excited. I can't wait to get it over with but I'm also a little anxious about the procedure. I was told it would be done with a laproscope so there would only be 3 small incisions. I thought "hey that's not bad at all". Until last weds when I had my pre op appt and the dr told me that the 3 little holes are only to detach the uterus and that he will have to go in vaginally to remove it. What??!!!! It's gonna be like having another baby. It's like my uterus is pissed because I'm getting rid of it so it had to have the last word. "Ha! Take that bitch!"

Sunday, November 7, 2010

My brain is an asshole

Yes it is. My brain is a sadistic bastard who is at constant odds with me. I want to be calm and relaxed and normal and my brain is all "Waaaahhhhh it's the end of the fucking world. Cry bitch cry!" But you see, I am a cast iron bitch, so while I'm awake I can keep that fuck-mook of a brain in check. I'm all "Screw you! I don't want to be crazy right now."

But at night when I go to sleep it's a totally different story. My brain has free reign and it loves to fuck with me, in the form of the weirdest and most awful dreams ever. Then I wake up all sad and shake my fist at my brain. That smug bastard doesn't care though. He got his way. Great! Now I have to walk around all day, 9 kinds of fucked up from the vivid mindfuck I received while sleeping. Thanks a lot brain. Then he laughs and calls me a fat ass. *sigh*

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Zombie Nation

I start to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it.
Elizabeth Wurtzel

Right now zombie movies are super popular. The idea of a zombie apocalypse is highly entertaining. There are t-shirts, paraphernalia and books on the subject. What the public fails to recognize is that the zombie apocalypse is here. It's right now. Look at the people around you. I mean really look and you will see it. You'll find it in their faces and in their eyes. It's a painful, empty and dead gaze that you'll meet. And it is the face of depression.

People with depression aren't crazy, they aren't making things up to get attention. They are suffering from a horrific disease of which there is no cure. It's a disease that slowly eats away at you until you are hollow inside and all that is left is a void of pain and fear. There is no pain like depression because it is a complete absence of hope, an inability to look to the future. There is only now and now is utterly hopeless.

But make no mistake. We, the depressed of the world, don't want your pity. We don't want sympathy in the form of condescending gazes and softly spoken comforts. What we want, what we desperately need is your understanding. Understand that we aren't lunatics. Understand that we want friends, comrades for the cause. Understand that we aren't lepers or pariahs. We are people and we are in pain.