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Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Whose idea was this anyway?

So I take antidepressants and anti psychotics to help me dial down the cuckoo. As a result I have gained weight. A lot of weight. Like 20+ lbs. "No biggy", I say to myself. I'll just eat healthier right? Whole grains, fat free, loads of veggies, drink tons of water. Weight lost.....+1 lb. What!!!? Who the fuck designed this calculator?

1,2,3....12 pair of pants out grown. Son of bitch. Ok I guess it's time to "diet". *shudder* I hate that word. Look its first 3 letters spell "die". That tells me that it's an evil word and should be cast back into the hell from wench it came....but alas, I must consort with the Devil.

Diet begins, low calorie, no calorie, no fat, no flavor, tastes like chum...for 4 solid months. Weight loss 11 lbs. Not super thrilled with results, but hey it's something right? Maybe now I can have a burger and a margarita. Wait... we are dealing with Satan remember? No I can't have a burger or a margarita unless I want to gain all that weight back plus an extra 2 for good measure. Gah! I am a failure, my clothes don't fit, I look 4 mos pregnant and I am HUNGRY for Godsake!!!!!!
W-w-wait1 Hold the phones. What are these beautiful magical things here? What angel
hath visited me and blessed me so? I have BOOBS now!!!!!!!

Prepare thy self world. I have banished the word "diet" from my vocabulary and my life. I may be a bit pudgy but I have titties and they are GLORIOUS!!!

And I get to live happily ever after. I don't have to stop taking my sanity pills and I have full, perky, womanly breasts.