Insomnia

Sooooooo...I have dealt with insomnia for many many years. It's extremely frustrating because my body will be dead tired but my brain highjacks everything and takes us all kicking and screaming on a fucked up trip through la la land when all I want to do is sleep. Here is what usually happens.

Oh this bed is comfy. I am so tired. close eyes and drift off. But wait the brain says "dude...." the rest of my body cringes and tries to ignore the brain. But we can't for long because somebody put that asshole in charge of ALL THE THINGS!
Brain: We need some new socks.
body: .........
brain: but not ankle socks. We need some long socks that are warm and comfy.
body: ok we'll get some socks tomorrow.
Brain: Wait scratch that we need knee high socks. Those are so cute.
Body: yeah, ok we'll do that 1st thing tomorrow. We'll go to walmart.
Brain: What? No. walmart doesn't have hello kitty knee highs.
Body: ugh! fine we'll go to Hot topic or something. Tomorrow.
Brain: but I want to wear the socks tomorrow. And I won't be able to because by the time we go to hot topic come home and wash the socks it will be to late.
Body: Srsly. They are socks we don't need to wash them first.
Brain: Are you fucking kidding me right now?! Of course we have to wash them first. What if someone already tried them on. We could get that flesh eating bacteria.
Body: ............
Brain: We should go get the socks right now. Clearly it's the logical thing to do.
Body: It's 2 am. Hot topic is closed.
Brain: Aarrrggh!

Then the rest of the night is spent talking my self down from a quasi anxiety attack over knee high socks and flesh eating bacteria.

..........

Learn to love the pain you feel, your hopes and dreams they are not real, follow me to the ends of the earth, leave behind all of your self worth,
one more step and one more day, to one less god you'll kneel to pray, you will bow and we will bend but when we break it may not end.
eventually time runs out and we shall too I have no doubt.

Crazy is the new craze.

Soooooo I spent 10 days in a psychiatric hospital. Crazy people, check. Drooling people, check. Zombie people, check. Crack heads, check check and check.

I was there for therapy and healing but mostly I just got into arguments. I yelled at a nurse because she was being a lying insensitive bitch. I got into an all out war with most of the people in group therapy because I support gay and lesbian rights and also I don't believe in the bible. One of the most crazy people there said lesbian sex was unnatural and unfulfilling. To which I replied "well the lesbians seem to like it quite a lot.

I got into another fight with a nutter because he used a racial slur. He called me bad words so I called him a backwoods, inbred, hillbilly sister fucker. Needless to say that did not go over well.

Also did you know that you aren't allowed to have hair conditioner on a psych ward? This dumbfounds me. What on earth could I possibly do with conditioner to hurt myself? Your not allowed chapstick either. Seriously what the hell!

H-day is almost here

Yep, next tuesday H-Day. H for hysterectomy. I am both scared and excited. I can't wait to get it over with but I'm also a little anxious about the procedure. I was told it would be done with a laproscope so there would only be 3 small incisions. I thought "hey that's not bad at all". Until last weds when I had my pre op appt and the dr told me that the 3 little holes are only to detach the uterus and that he will have to go in vaginally to remove it. What??!!!! It's gonna be like having another baby. It's like my uterus is pissed because I'm getting rid of it so it had to have the last word. "Ha! Take that bitch!"

My brain is an asshole

Yes it is. My brain is a sadistic bastard who is at constant odds with me. I want to be calm and relaxed and normal and my brain is all "Waaaahhhhh it's the end of the fucking world. Cry bitch cry!" But you see, I am a cast iron bitch, so while I'm awake I can keep that fuck-mook of a brain in check. I'm all "Screw you! I don't want to be crazy right now."

But at night when I go to sleep it's a totally different story. My brain has free reign and it loves to fuck with me, in the form of the weirdest and most awful dreams ever. Then I wake up all sad and shake my fist at my brain. That smug bastard doesn't care though. He got his way. Great! Now I have to walk around all day, 9 kinds of fucked up from the vivid mindfuck I received while sleeping. Thanks a lot brain. Then he laughs and calls me a fat ass. *sigh*

Zombie Nation

I start to think there really is no cure for depression, that happiness is an ongoing battle, and I wonder if it isn't one I'll have to fight for as long as I live. I wonder if it's worth it.
Elizabeth Wurtzel

Right now zombie movies are super popular. The idea of a zombie apocalypse is highly entertaining. There are t-shirts, paraphernalia and books on the subject. What the public fails to recognize is that the zombie apocalypse is here. It's right now. Look at the people around you. I mean really look and you will see it. You'll find it in their faces and in their eyes. It's a painful, empty and dead gaze that you'll meet. And it is the face of depression.

People with depression aren't crazy, they aren't making things up to get attention. They are suffering from a horrific disease of which there is no cure. It's a disease that slowly eats away at you until you are hollow inside and all that is left is a void of pain and fear. There is no pain like depression because it is a complete absence of hope, an inability to look to the future. There is only now and now is utterly hopeless.

But make no mistake. We, the depressed of the world, don't want your pity. We don't want sympathy in the form of condescending gazes and softly spoken comforts. What we want, what we desperately need is your understanding. Understand that we aren't lunatics. Understand that we want friends, comrades for the cause. Understand that we aren't lepers or pariahs. We are people and we are in pain.

Moooooooo!

I blog because I'm unhappy
I blog because it's free
His eyes are on the sparrow
so he's probably not paying any attention to me.

Today's nonsense is brought to you by the letter F and the word "fuck-mook".